ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
