Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
