she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
