There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
