I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
