Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
