when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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