the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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