you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
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