On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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