I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
