ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
