his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
