Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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