I hate your face
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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