I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
