Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
