I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
