i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
