my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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