Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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