why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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