when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
