My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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