That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
