sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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