After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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