I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Randomize
