i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
40s are totally the cure
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
