i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
