I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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