she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
