One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
