True but thats because hes a fetus.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
