I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
