dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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