she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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