Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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