Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
