I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
