i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
