if i died would you start the facebook group?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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