turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
two words: eviction party
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
