will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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