Only a mothe r could love this liver
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
