My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
