things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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