Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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