It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
