Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
